Try to say Italian roast chicken salad fifty times in a row. That's hard. But to cook it from scratch is no biggiebiggie, and I'll show you everything step by step (day by day). The recipe is from Jamie Oliver's recipe app. If you take it nice and easy, easy breezy beautiful, you will learn how to make perfect food look awfully good!


The first thing you have to do is to go out and find a chicken. That's easy, you might think. NO! That's not an easy thing to do. First you have to sneak around the neighbourhood like a lunatic to find out if anyone has a chicken farm in their backyard. I was lucky this time because I found one in my former boss' backyard, but you might be unlucky and that's life.

When you go chicken hunting, you can't be a chicken. You might have to grab it by the comb to get a hold of it, and you have to use a lot of muscles to hold it still. But don't worry, eventually it will stop flapping it's wings. Remember to bring a sharp knife with you, because that's actually better than a knife that's not so sharp. And you have to be sharp in your head as well, because you're about to take someones life. That requires a lot of focus and determination.

Chop the head off, not down the middle. It's discusting to even think about doing that. When the head is chopped off, throw it away. Far away. Don't stuff it and place it on a shelf in your living room because you are proud of killing a chicken. Then your guests will not come and eat dinner at your place anymore, they probably wont be your friends anymore either.

When the head is long gone, you will probably think you've gone crazy in your own head, because the chicken still walks around like nothing happened. It may feel like a very scary movie, but don't worry, it's not. The reason why it still walks around is because chickens are very stupid animals, they don't understand that they are dead. So if it refuses to accept the truth within the hour, find a rope and tie it around it's neck (if there's any left) and walk it like you're walking your dog. Walk it home, then remove the feathers and the "natural stuffing". Now you can begin your cooking. This is how it should look like when you've come that far:



You might feel like a sick serial killer, but don't worry, you're not (I don't really know, but please don't be...)

Now that the «natural stuffing» is removed, you can stuff it with something else. For example basil and lemon. Or as I like to call it, weed and woman.



It should look like this:



Then like this:


It looks really confused.

Now you need to top that chicky with some salt & pepah (and olive oil):



Now that's what I'm talking about, brothers and sisters. Put it in the oven on 200°C and leave it there for 45 minutes. While it's in the «hot as hell department», start boiling potatoes. That's like silly easy peasy, it's so effing easy that your cat can do it.



And while your in it, throw in some asparges and some green beans. Remember to buy beans that DON'T look like the ones I bought, that's just wrong. It's the wrong type, don't do it. Find some party beans or something, anything is better.



Now cool them off (no, don't cool them off, it tastes like crap because potatoes are supposed to be warm and that's the truth ruth, we both know it, me and you).
Take a lot of photos of it, until it looks good. Don't give up, no matter what. I believe in you. If I can do it, you can do it (even though it takes a lot of effort to do it like I do it).



Yes, that's it.

Now clean your shit up and make some room:



Then take some breathtaking photos:



I deleted the most beautiful photo (of the chopped onion) because it made me cry.

There's one thing you should not do when you make food, and that is to eat chocolate. You might accidentally drop one in a glass of water, and after some hours it looks like something else and you don't want to risk not wanting to eat chocolate again. Trust me.



After the chicken has been 45 minutes in the oven stuffed with weed and woman, you can be 100% sure that it is dead. Take it out of the oven, and place the beautiful onion and tomatoes around it's body. It feels a little wierd, but eventually it will be very good. Lookie lookie:



Put it inside the oven again, for about 15 minutes. If you don't want to burn your fingers, use the force.

Now it should smell delicious, but us humans are blessed with very stupid noses. Our noses gets used to smells too quickly. So I stepped outside to our (shared) hallway:



I looked out the window and pretended I was expecting a guest, and took a selfie as quick as I could:



Then I went inside again and SMELLED:



It smells so stupid good that you really don't want to eat it you just want to smell it.

Place the chicken on a platter and make it look like it's about to attack something (just for the photos sake):



Cover the remaining tomatoes and onion with bread and pancetta, and put it in the oven for another 15 minutes.



While that's in the oven, you need to hurry up. Yes, I know that's not so much fun because you'll probably burn the kitchen down and cut all your fingers off, but if you want the food to be ready sooner because you've wasted too much time already on eating chocolate and taking photos, then you have to hurry up a little bit.

Now rip the chicken like you've never ripped before:

I bet you cannot wait to make this dinner. I know how you feel.

Now mix it with some more weed (spring onion, mint and fresh flat leaf parsley):


Then pour a little really bad red wine (vinegar) in there:



Then cut the potatoes in half and mix all your shit like it's meant to be together:



FUCK YEAH THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.



Now share it with someone that really likes tomatoes, potatoes, red wine and weed.

You can thank me later.